Since that time, he has come out being gay, his brother killed his mother and another brother committed suicide. Bierdz recently wrote his real life story and is returning to The Young and the Restless. (Yes, I know, he died on the show.)

Gay Chicago talked to Thom about all this and how he still keeps his head high.

GAY CHICAGO: I have to say, I watched you on The Young and the Restless for three years and always thought you were just the cutest guy. But how hard is soap opera work?

THOM BIERDZ: The Young and the Restless has two stages with six sets each, so either you work the first part of the day or the second, sometimes both. If you start at 8, you're usually out by 1 or 2 p.m. If you're in at noon, you're out at 6 p.m. Because the soaps move slowly, a lot of your dialogue is repeat, so it is pretty easy to memorize. But the writers really want you to say it verbatim, so that can be tough. Good thing I didn't play a doctor who had to recite scientific monologues. I played a troubled alcoholic. Now that I think of it, I could have slurred more lines.

From Wisconsin boy to soap opera star- how did it all happen?

Determination, that's what it was. A desire to follow my dreams and not be repressed. I was so shy in high school that I only auditioned for one school play and didn't get it. At 19, I gained confidence wearing a cowboy hat and bartending in gay bars in Milwaukee. I saved five grand in two years, then flew to Hollywood and bought a Chevette (a clutch, which I hadn't learned to drive) and got a cheap apartment in Silverlake. Busing tables in a gay restaurant, I met Tim Wood, Rob Lowe's manager [now deceased], and Tim set me up with agents and acting classes. I did several commercials and waited tables until the fifth soap opera I auditioned for cast me.

You have been very open about your being gay. Did you have to stay in the closet while on the show?

When Soap Opera Digest first interviewed me and asked about my private life, I am embarrassed to say I led them to believe I was straight. On the set, I think most people knew I was gay, but I didn't bring it up. I fell in love with blond, cherubic Dante, who was the florist on the show, and we bought a house together. I'm sure everyone knew. In less than a year, I fell out of love with possessive Dante, and, furious, he gave me a black eye one day. But soap opera makeup covered it well, and I didn't explain it.

When did you first know you were gay?

At five or six, I was mesmerized by Mike Conners' close-ups on Mannix. Then when I snuck a look at my mom's Playgirl when I was 12, there was no turning back. The centerfold had a naked man fishing. I will never forget it. Nature and naked man. Wow. Who cares if he catches a fish? Damn.

Do you think that the way that soap fans love their soap stars, the stars can lead a normal life as a gay man or woman and still be on a soap?

If you asked me this about a movie star or a star of a TV series, I would say no, that the show execs and distribution companies would panic if the star came out, thinking America would be enraged, and, therefore, the commercial sponsors would pull out. But I think since each soap opera has many "stars," it would be okay for one to come out. Not sure. I know The Young And The Restless still caters to the Bible belt. They seem less willing to take risks than other shows do. But a soap actor that came out might have to accept being typecast, and this could limit his future roles.

When you left The Young and the Restless, you seemed to disappear. What happened?

A month after I left, my youngest brother, Troy, beat our mother to death with a baseball bat in her kitchen, in Kenosha, WI. Troy was on his way to kill me in Los Angeles when he was arrested near the Mexican border a week later.

How did you deal with your brother killing your mother?

Because I was raised Catholic, and was condemned to Hell for being gay, I had many years investigating other spiritualities by then. In my view, my mother was alive. Somewhere wonderful perhaps. And Troy was the dead one, karmically and emotionally. I ignored him (as the rest of my family did), and I spent the next five years researching the afterlife, hoping I would make contact with my mother.

I understand that another of your brothers committed suicide 10 years later. How did you ever get out of bed in the morning?

Gotta tell you, it's hard when I'm alone and the sun's not up. But I consciously surround myself with very supportive friends, and I don't think I could ever live alone. I make an effort to socialize because I am shy and would rather stay at home and paint or play with my dogs. I don't want to fall into the depression my brother Craig fell into, and so I consciously try to connect more with other people and concentrate on making a difference. I have to work hard to make my life less about me and more about others. And in doing so, the more healed I become. I think that is true for all of us, being of service to others in whatever way we can.

Is it true that you are coming back for a visit on Young and the Restless?

It's true.

When can we look for it?

July 5, I think.

Did you have fun acting again?

I did, but I was so out of the lingo. When the director blocked me (told me where to move on what line), I forgot which was "upstage" and "downstage." I was more nervous coming across the people I used to work with 15 years ago but definitely glad I did. I liked who I was, and I know I came across so much more dimensional. How dimensional can a gay-closeted soap star be? Two-dimensional at most. I had become three-dimensional.

I understand that you just finished writing a book about your life story and I have two questions: (1) When will it be coming out; and (2) Why did you put yourself through all the drama of your life again?

I am not sure when the book will come out, probably at least six months away. Not sure about the second question either. Initially, I began writing the story to honor my mother, to show she was a good mother and in no way responsible for her matricide.

The Menendez brothers killed their parents about a month after her death, and I heard people blaming the Menendez parents for their own murders, which upset me.

As the years went on, I was led by a message from my mother I received through a psychic back to my incarcerated schizophrenic brother Troy. I wrote much of my story feeling obligated to share the miracles of paranormal contact and the lifting of my soul when I forgave Troy. I was determined to help him rehabilitate. And again, as I helped him heal, I too began to heal. I wanted to write about the power of forgiveness. I wrote to understand my upbringing, to figure out why I was afraid and shy, and had an "Italian temper." I actually researched 400 pages of court documents on Troy, studying his Satanic poems and animal-killing diaries, wanting to understand what happened. I wrote about schizophrenia and paranoia in part to bring that out of the closet. There is still a lot of fear and shame associated with mental illness in this country. Our secrets perpetuate it. I hope to shine a new light on it by sharing my experience, strength and hope. I was determined to make what happened in my life and my family's life mean something. It is a way of honoring my mother.

ICM [a major talent agency] is repping the book and the movie. I have already met with Oscar-winning producers.

I recently checked out your Web site (www.ThomBierdz.com) and was amazed to learn about your artwork. How would you describe your artwork?

Expressionism, impressionism, surrealism and symbolism. Painting is what keeps me in the moment, as I am haunted by the past or anxious of the future. Painting has been my therapy, and I have painted my whole life. I had never imagined my art would be my career and take over like this. People are surprised I have such heavy emotional pieces and, then, whimsical treehouses and the like. In spite of what has happened in the past, I have an optimistic soul, and much of my work is bright and cheerful.

I found your paintings fabulous. How can someone see more of your work and buy it?

250 paintings, a synopsis of my book and video of me and Troy in his prison can be seen at www.ThomBierdz.com. My pieces are currently selling for $2,000 (compilations more). My manager and I can be contacted through that site.

Since this is Pride Month, I have to ask, is there anyone special in your life?

There's someone in my life who is very significant in many regards.

What is next for Thom Bierdz?

I will be having my West Coast premiere gallery opening the end of the year at Soicher Marin Galleries. I am doing this in conjunction with a nonprofit organization called The Art of Elysium. It is committed to bringing artists to terminally ill children [to] help them deal with their illness through art. I feel very fortunate to be a part of this wonderful mission.

Has coming out of the closet changed your life?

Totally. My mother was a very honest person, and I am too, by nature. Hiding being gay, such an important part of me, paralyzed me.

Do you have any advise for anyone thinking of coming out of the closet?

Your family owes you respect for who you are. I don't care if they like it or not, that's what a family does: Support and love you unconditionally. Feel that, let it resonate your whole being, be all that you are. And please accept other gay friends as your family; they can be with you forever, too.