Soap Opera Weekly Interview... June 2, 1994
*Tell us a bit about your time as a daytime soap star. What was the attention like, both as a young man and a closeted gay man?
At ten years-old I was a very sensitive little boy, realizing I was gay, who was damned to Hell by the Catholic church. This could have been the subconscious impetus for my 'need' to get to Hollywood and be a 'star' when I was 21. I needed attention and validation. I needed to receive 'love,' and yet I couldn't allow anyone close enough to hurt me, so the safest way for me to receive love was from a distance. Being on TV seemed the perfect fix. But even though the personal appearances with screaming fans was an ego trip, afterwards, when I was alone in my swanky hotel suite, it occurred to me I was performing onstage and I was loved for my soap opera character, not loved for the real me.
*How did your life change when you left Y&R in 1989?
Every waking moment changed when my youngest brother murdered my mother a few weeks later. My drive to 'act' diminished, and my time was spent reading books on the afterlife, concerned for my mother, and begging contact.
* How have you been able to come to terms with the fact that your brother Troy killed your mother, only weeks after you wrapped at Y&R?
It would take a hundred pages to answer this. I'll just say that believing in life after death changes everything. In my view, my wonderful mother was still alive - somewhere, but my brother Troy was dead - mentally, emotionally, karmically.
* Did it in any way prepare you for the loss of your brother Craig, to suicide, 10 years later?
Not at all. What Craig did still stuns everyone that knew him. He had so much going for him, and two kids he adored. After his death, I took on his depression, and, feeling aches so deep in my soul, I could imagine for the first time why someone wants out of life so fast they'll swallow a bullet. I would give anything for him to take it all back and explore other options for his life.
* What helped you survive these tragedies?
A paranoid schizophrenic brother in prison and my other brother, a suicide in a paranoid (?) depression. And me, the oldest boy -- I was in a paranoid time in my life and could no longer run from that truth. I was so afraid to go in public I invented characters to do so, and secretly checked out books on multiple personalities out of the Beverly Hills library. Still, I was reticent to believe in us Bierdz boys having a paranoid 'gene'; I did not want that doomed forecast for me. Instead I examined our brains psychoanalytically. What circumstances made us who we were? What environments? What conditions in our early home? I already had in my possession 400 pages of Wisconsin court records with Troy and my mother (his adolescent crimes, his animal-killing diaries and Satanic poems). I needed the advice of my dad (who used to be a psychotherapist, and was at one time suicidal) and my wonderful aunts (who are supersensitive, sometimes manic [in a good way]) and I needed to face my life, my lacks, my fears, my martyrdom. To see that my brothers were not victims to a gene, and neither was I; that the nonsensical acts they did actually could make sense (in hindsight). I needed to detour my current pattern of destruction and take mental inventory, so I could be at the cause and not the effect of what was to come for me. That is when I came out as being gay. To keep my balance, I needed to stand in the truth.
*What or who do you credit for giving you the strength to get through this when your brothers couldn't?
Gay kids often separate themselves from others because they are either made fun of, or feel ashamed. Maybe this made me more equipped to survive? Also, I found insight reading many spiritual books.
. * Had you kept in touch with any of your Y&R costars after leaving the show?
Rebecca Street and I see each other occasionally.
Were you able to turn to Jess Walton's husband John James, whose a grief counselor?
Jess offered, but I refused, because I have trust issues and could not trust a therapist. When a family member kills another family member that violates an almost insurmountable trust. Then when another family member kills himself, more trust is violated. These are issues I am still working on.
* How have these tragic experiences changed you?
Most things are suspicious to me. Ironically, though I am an optimist, I often expect the worst to prepare myself.
* What pushed you to write your book?
The reunion of me and Troy. Forgiveness. Transcendence. Hope.
(What is the title? Any progress in procuring a publisher?)
I. C. M. is representing the book and the movie.
* Were you "out" to anyone at the show privately?
Many people on the set knew I was gay but we didn't talk about it. The florist of the show and I actually dated for a while in 1988.
* Did you date quietly during your time on Y&R or was your love life put on hold?
I was afraid to go to gay bars. But in a West Hollywood grocery store I met another boyfriend.
* How has coming out changed your life?
I feel that I contribute now. Many gay people write my website and ask my advice, or share their stories.
* What advice do you have for other young actors struggling with whether to come out of the closet?
I can only speak for myself. I am not a natural actor. It is hard for me to fake anything. My auditions sucked because I was too busy hiding a great part of me; the gay part.
* When and why did you change your name to Zoey Drake (sp?) and what made you decide to go back to Thom Bierdz?
My brother who killed himself had asked me to change my name when I informed him I was writing a book. He was an agent in town and afraid to be associated with the demons in our family. I went back to Thom Bierdz after he killed himself, but I am not attached to any name. I might change my name again at some point. It's kinda cool to do so. :)
* Tell us about your recent success as an artist? What is the most thrilling part of this success?
I am a natural introvert, who has spent most of my life experimenting with color and composition. In a way THAT has been my therapy! Expressionism (emotional, distorted people), impressionism (from Van Gogh to Hockney), surrealism and symbolism. When I sit down to paint it usually comes out quite different than I expect, like my subconscious is painting. Currently, my pieces go for $2000 - $8000. We are working on a gallery showing in association with The Art Of Elysium charity (for children who are terminally ill).
* How do you feel about returning to the Y&R stages, again? (Is your dreamy return officially set to go?)
Nervous.
* Who will you be excited to see?
Lauralee Bell. She was like 16 when I worked with her. She was truly an innocent. A very dear, sheltered princess. I am curious to see if she has remained down-to-earth. I would love to see Jess and Jeanne of course. And Tricia!
* What will it be like to walk back on that stage as an openly gay soap star?
I don't think they'll announce me as such :)
* What accomplishment do you have your sights on next: Does stardom still appeal to you, after all these years?
I have felt an obligation to share my brother's and my story -- and now that that is underway, I can relax. I'd like to travel the world and live on canvas.